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| 2012 |
Chubby died at midnight on Saturday. She became 10.5 years old.
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| With Tora |
She was kind of weak and had stomach problems even at early age. Whenever we left the cats at pet hotel during vacations, the bill would always have extra things in it for Chubby as she easily would get diarrhea so the vets had to give her special food.
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| She used to push her face into my hand when sleeping on my lap |
From time to time her poop would have a bit of blood in it but the vets told us there was nothing to be worried about much. And in fact she got better and the blood didn't come back as she grew up.
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| One of her signature poses |
She was a bit round and heavy at least to begin with hence we named her Chubby. But she quickly lost the baby fat and became pretty slim, not malnourished but just slim. She knew her name well, and always, always came whenever I called her, and gave a tiny tiny almost non-audible meow as to say "Here I am". When she was 2 I noticed (I still paid attention back then) that she was a bit bony still so I took her to the vet and she was examined and they said it is normal and nothing to worry about. So we got used to her being a bit bony.
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| Chasing butterflies in Ogikubo backyard |
She was toilet trained but always happened to have little accidents every now and then. Leaving a tiny poop in the middle of the room, or just peeing outside of the litter box. We tried to give her options and ended up having 3 litter boxes. One for both cats and two for Chubby with sheets in them, one of which she got used to. But she still did her business outside sometimes.
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| Her cutest sleeping pose |
All her life she also threw up almost once or twice a day. Again, nothing to worry about we were told. She just has sensitive stomach. She used to attack her food and treats and eat lots and lots of it really quickly and greedily. After it was finished and the plate was clean, she would clean herself up, walk away a bit and throw up the whole thing. I most of the time could clean up after her but Tora would chomp up the mess if I wasn't quick. Therefore I could not be sure exactly how many times she had thrown up. But more than half the time she would just eat calmly and in normal pace, and in those cases she would keep the food in her. I used to make a mental note and checked that she kept her food down from time to time.
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| 2013, Ueno |
Despite these small issues, she was the cutest, and the quietest kitty in the whole world. Except for when Tora got a bit too playful and wouldn't leave her alone when she wasn't in the mood. Then she would hiss and punch Tora in the face. Tora, easily more than twice her size had real respect for her and had learned not to cross the line. Tough gal!
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| Sniff sniff |
She was also not very quite when it came to purring. Her purr was deep and strong. She used to climb into bed at night, on top of me, and after the mandatory massage she would lay down and purr like some kind of power tool. It was a mystery where in that tiny tiny body the loud purr originated. She managed to keep Chika awake though and steal lots of rest.
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| Hi there |
She was real playful and her favorite thing to do was to kick and chase balls I used to make with aluminum foil around the house. She was really good at it too, and when given the ball would suddenly transform from the slow looking and calm kitty to a mini tiger fast as lightning.
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| need a hand? |
Often she would just sit and stare at me for hours. No matter what I was doing. She would just keep looking at me without taking a break, maybe she liked me so much. Maybe she was bored.
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| Hanging out |
When out in the garden, she would really enjoy exploring. She never ate the cat grass, but would instead lick the water drops from various leaves. She also showed very serious interest in the pond, and I was terrified every time she got close to it cause I thought she would fall in and drown. So every time she was out I had to pay half my attention to her while trying to garden, and rush to her and put her somewhere far from the pond if she got too close to it. Of course she just headed for it right away anyway.
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| I'm really not so small |
She was not very good at jumping due to her short legs, but she didn't let that stop her. She loved to get to high up places and made sure she found a way to access everywhere in the garden too. The stairs in the house were quite a challenge as well, after all even as adult her body was still kitten size, but she conquered them after a day or two. One step at a time.
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| So beautiful |
She was energetic and full of life when we moved to our new place, and there was nothing odd about her. I guess around the new year things must have started to take a bad turn. I was busy with all the new things and the house and the garden and the chickens and work and crash, and everything else, and simply neglected the cats. They had to just maintain themselves for a while. Tora managed, but Chubby with her eating issues maybe ate less and less. She lost a bit of weight but I didn't take it as a sign of anything. I think that in February she was getting really thin. Worst timing as I was walking around with my back and knees hurt real bad. Although I doubt I would have noticed or done anything about her even if I didn't have the crash.
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| trying to catch something |
I did kind of mention she had gotten thin to Chika but nothing more happened. We figured it is just a part of her becoming older. Anyway, she was eating less without us noticing. It is just my theory but I think the reason she was eating less was that she had a toothache, or maybe pain in her gum or maybe a bruise inside her mouth or lip. I didn't brush the cats' teeth, because I was told that the Royal Canine dry food kind of takes care of that for cats. I have decided to start brushing Tora's teeth from now. By chance, I have recently been feeding them both not only the usual dry food, but also wet kind every now and then. So maybe the weight loss would have been more sudden and dramatic with only dry food.
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| Look at those tiny feet |
It was only one night towards the end of March that Chika said "Wow, I know Chubby has become thinner recently but this is just ridiculous" and I did notice that she was just skin and bones. She was also not her usual energetic self so that got me real worried. I took her to the vet the next day, and the vet took some blood samples and said her levels are way too high, and that he wasn't sure what it was but that her kidneys seem to not be able to cope. That night at home she had no energy at all, and just slept, and I thought she was dying.
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| Love toys |
The next day I called and booked a time with the vet to give Chubby euthanasia. She seemed to suffer so much. For some reason though, I decided to go to the other vet in town just before that and check with them too. I showed them the other vet's levels and they took an X-ray and blood sample right away, and also checked her kidneys with ultrasound.
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| She sometimes made strange faces |
They said they can try and give her medication and keep her for a couple of days and see if she gets better or not. They were not sure what the problem was causing her levels to get so dangerous but could at least keep an eye on her and try. It would cost a lot but it may be a chance. I had to decide. Of course I agreed and we had her put in the hospital.
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| 2014 |
I visited almost every day, and they took new blood levels twice a week. And the levels moved up and down but mostly they seemed to normalize. She looked sad and bored in her cage connected to a hose but there was definitely improvement. First couple of days she ate a bit but threw up. They gave her many different foods to choose from. She seemed to find something in there that she liked. Every day different though. Eventually she managed to keep some food in.
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| I like high places where I can see everyone |
The second day the doctor told me that they knew why she was not eating her regular food. They had found that she had bruised her gum and that it hurt when she ate so she was reluctant to eat. Poor Chubby. She had no idea why.
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| I'm not coming down even for that toy |
She was still very weak to bring home. She spent a total of two weeks in hospital, and her levels got much much better than when we started. She didn't gain weight though and I figured that would take longer and happen slowly. The vet said I could take her home and keep giving her shots and medicine and liquid injections and go back for regular checkups to follow the progress.
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| Chubby in the hospital |
The bill for the 2 weeks hospital was same as my salary for 2 weeks. But it was real good and helpful. When I took her home I think she weighed just above 2,1 kilos. I had to give her liquid injections twice a day, which she hated, but I did anyway. The thought of her back skin becoming all wounded with new prick twice a day pained me too. On top of that, a hormone shot twice a week needed to be given, and also she had to eat kidney medicine twice a day. The kidney medicine I only managed to trick her and give her maybe 2 or 3 times. The rest of the times she just spit it all back out. I had also bought 2 kinds of special kidney care dry food and 2 types of wet food for kidney that she could choose from. She ate from those at least.
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| She looks so sad, all shaved and alone |
Every time I gave her the liquid injection she looked all bloated and the liquid would go somewhere and stay there. Sometimes it would hang in her belly skin and dangle half the day until it was absorbed. Sometimes it would go to her front paw and make it look twice as big as Tora's. I asked the doctor and she said if Chubby is eating her food now, probably I could reduce the liquid injection to once a day. Her levels are stabilizing anyway. I did that and she looked very good and happy. Except she still weighed very little.
I remember I made her a tiny ball of aluminum foil and she ran around with it like she used to. At her last checkup her levels had improved dramatically, and she weighed 1,8 kilos. Back at home I kept giving her the shots, but she lost interest in her food again. She ate less and less. She started peeing lots due to the injections and she did it in sofas and flooring corners and outside of her box. Of course she did pee inside the box too when she could help it. But I think the liquids just made her not be able to control the timing and it kinda just ran out of her. I let her go out in the garden as much as she wanted because I kept thinking she had gone through so much bad stuff recently that she deserves to spend all her time free in her favorite garden. She played around to start with and she could also pee freely in the garden and I didn't mind as much. I think I started not giving her liquid injections every day as I was not aware that she was eating less again. Both Tora and Chubby ate the same food from the same trays so when I was at work I could not know who had eaten how much. But when I was at home Chubby seemed to eat properly when I fed her so I became more neglecting when it came to her injections. She seemed to suffer so much every time I gave it to her. I still gave it to her but not everyday. Anyway. a couple of days later she just went out in the garden when I let her out and picked a spot and just sat there for hours until I got worried and had to move her out of the sun or bring her in. A couple of days before her last she suddenly stopped eating altogether and drank rarely any water, and spent all her time inside the little cat house upstairs, where I also had put water and food and her preferred litter box. I decided to increase her injections back to twice from Friday. I came home early on Friday to find her sleeping halfway down the stairways. Probably she had decided to come down but had only the energy to come halfway. I took her down and gave her the injection and the last hormone shot and held her in my arms for a while. She was really cold, so I placed a heat pack on the sofa, and put a blanket over it and laid her cat house on top and put Chubby inside. She slept in there but after maybe 5 minutes she suddenly started shaking violently and having seizures and spasms. I took her out and tried to hold her and calm her while she was having her after shakes, her paws were grasping on and off. Poor poor Chubby. I was totally devastated when I saw her like that, and thought to myself that I was just keeping her alive with the injections and making her suffering longer. She is like a zombie these days and only gets a little bit of extra energy to do things for a couple hours or so every time I give her the injection injection but the stress and the pain of the injection itself and also the rest of the time where she is just lying there waiting for the next injection... What kind of life is that?
I had neglected her and failed in noticing her problem in time, when she needed me to. But I shouldn't put her through this. I talked to Chika too when she came home and she too said that if she is bound to die naturally then we should let it happen. Chubby at this point was not even able to stand up or move, and I just wanted to let her be without causing more stress or pain.
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| Chubby on her last day, around midday |
Saturday morning I saw that she had been and peed in her litter box right outside of her cat house. Mystery how she had managed to gather all the energy needed to get there though. Also she had wet herself inside of the cat house. Even until the last day she really tried to do it in the right place. Otherwise, she was just lying on her side and breathing slowly. I tried to give her water from a tiny syringe but she kept turning her head away from it. Her nose seemed a bit clogged and made noise when she drew breath. I tried to clean it up but couldn't. She was real real cold. I covered her body with blanket as much as I could but she seemed to want to be without. Every time I came into her room she strained, lifted her head, looked at me and gave a weak hoarse meow. I am so sorry Chubby. You died because I couldn't take good care of you.
I sat next to her and stroke her head and body as much as I could for the duration of the day, but I was afraid that she was trying to sleep and my stroking kept her awake, so I gave her a few breaks of half hour where I didn't disturb her. Still she didn't manage to sleep. While I was sitting next to her she gathered all her strength and got up on her feet on the blanket and tried to move but simply collapsed after a few centimeters on the flooring. She tried this again about an hour later, and this time I aided her by holding her sides, and she could guide where she wanted to go and I moved her body in that direction. Together we moved to the big balcony window where the sun was shining in, and she laid there and continued her rest. Where her head was had shade and the sun was warming her so I guess it was good. I tried the water syringe again, and this time she licked a couple of drops. This was the last time she drank. Around midday she seemed to have had enough and tried to crawl a bit and away from the window. I helped her back to the middle of the room where the blanket was, and into the shade.
Her breathing became tougher and tougher, and she seemed to become extremely sensitive to sounds. I was sitting next to her and every time I opened my mouth and my lips parted they made a very very small smack sound to which she suddenly shook once and her legs twitched as if it was a reflex. It looked really bad so I had to be absolutely without any sound if I wanted her to get any sleep. She didn't of course. I kept stroking her and trying to calm her down in her last hours. I said her name and every time I did she meowed even hoarser and weaker than the last time. Poor Chubby. Must be so confusing losing your power and not knowing what is going on, and I guess she was asking me what the hell was happening to her. She must have been so so so frightened. Every time she opened her mouth it smelled like death. Same smell I knew from when I worked at hospital and old men smelled like from right before they died. My poor baby.
When I patted her head she pushed it towards my hand like she always did when she tried to sleep. Pushed as if she was trying to bury it in my palm and stop the light from disturbing her. When I stroked her chin and under her throat where she had been shaved she lifted her head a little to allow my fingers better access so I guess that must have felt good. She kept getting weaker and weaker by the hour though. Poor Chubby. Was she lying there and maybe waiting for the strength to come back to her...
Later on she didn't even have the power to move her head. Just kept it straight and looked forward while lying down on her side, and tried to breath... Even though she was all out of energy, when I left the room and came back she would still struggle, open her mouth and give a meow. I rang the vet to ask if they could come and give her a shot to put her to sleep but they said sure they can. Although, wouldn't we like to bring her in first to see if Chubby cannot be put in hospital a few days and see if she cannot be rescued? I tried to explain the best I could that we are not going to bring her back from the brink of death just to prolong it and then put her through all this again. But my voice didn't carry because was about to burst into tears for every word. I think she was in pain all the time, but it must have gotten really unbearable around 8 when I was sitting next to her and she suddenly let out a loud meow. About that time I think she lost her patience and tolerance and gathered all her energy and got up on her feet but kept rocking back and forth. I tried to balance her and guide her up like before but she lost interest and collapsed down again. She did this a few times. Got up, rock heavily from side to side and fell. I changed her position from one side to the other and that seemed to calm her a bit. Around 9 I was falling asleep myself (I get up at 4-5 every morning) and reckoned I would not be able to give anything in my state, I put Chubby in Tora's cat house (as she had wet hers and it was smelly) in the other room, next to her toilet and an extra sheet. All of them on top of a blanket, and went to bed myself. I woke up maybe half an hour later because I think I heard her cry but not sure if I dreamed it or if she again lost her patience and cried out from pain. I went and checked up on her but she was lying on her side and breathing weakly. Just looking onward with wide open eyes. Probably terrified of not knowing what was happening and feeling lots of pain everywhere. One of her back legs was twitching which I assumed was because of noise, a reaction similar to before. I stroke her a little, and went back to bed cause I was collapsing myself.
Just before midnight I was awaken by Chika who asked if I already knew that Chubby had died. I said no and got up and checked her. She was lying there lifeless, with her eyes still open. She never got any sleep. Not breathing anymore. Her body limp and very cold. I stroked her. I couldn't close her eyes. Lifted her up and she leaked pee, as well as brown liquid came out from her mouth and nose and onto the sheet below. She was dead. We left her in that position. In the morning (4-5) rigor mortis had set in and we buried her in the backyard. These were the saddest days of my life. And I hate myself.
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| I am so sorry Chubby. We will miss you a lot. |
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| On top of her grave, to mark it I planted flowers. |
